Vote For Chuckabee... Or Else By Jared Beck

Is it possible to overdose on Chuck Norris jokes?

Well, thanks to his recent public announcement that he backs Republican candidate Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas, Chuck Norris has released an ultimatum on the American public: vote for Mike, or prepare to have you scrawny butt beaten far into the ground.

According to FOXNews.com, Chuck Norris does not vote for president of the United States. He gives the voting machine a swift roundhouse kick and Mike Huckabee wins.
They saw a man who doesn’t read books; he stares them down until they give him the information he wants.
No doubt the martial arts master, and star of such classic films as The Delta Force and The Octagon, as well as his own television series Walker, Texas Ranger, will hold important sway in the upcoming Republican primary elections. After all, should Mr. Huckabee so desire, Chuck Norris could be the strong-arm of his campaign, wrestling geriatric Fred Thompson into submission, knocking the New York lights out of Rudy Giuliani, mussing the hair of slicked-back Mitt Romney, or show John McCain the true meaning of torture (okay, that might go a bit far).

Regardless, Chuck Norris is thinking independently here. He’s not worrying about how the rest of Hollywood feels about the political candidates this time around – and they overwhelming support the junior Democratic senator from Illinois, Barack Obama – and he doesn’t care if Huckabee has no real chance at winning the nomination. After all, this is the same guy who beat Jumanji without having to say “Jumanji.”

Chuck Norris is the consummate bad-ass. His recent popularity over the years with younger generations, who only pay attention to Chuck Norris because of the thousands of spoofs online and corny jokes circulating about the karate king, may attract an entirely new voting bloc to Huckabee and possibly the Republican party in general.

As much fun as Conan O’Brien made of Chuck Norris during those “Walker” sequences on his own late-night talk show, that many more kids realized how sweet Chuck Norris truly was. They saw a man with skills, a man with brawn, a man with a perfect beard. They saw a man who doesn’t read books; he stares them down until they give him the information he wants.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the remaining Republican candidates for the nomination dropped out of the race immediately. How can you compete with a man who doesn’t sleep (he waits)? How can you compete with a man who doesn’t have a chin beneath his beard (he has another fist)? I mean, Chuck Norris’s chief export is pain. I would not be on the other end of one of Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kicks. I’d rather just vote for Mike Huckabee and have it all be over.

In fact, I’m so scared of Chuck Norris I may just switch parties. I value my life, after all.

No matter what, Chuck Norris breathes life into the dead campaign of Mike Huckabee. After all, on the seventh God rested . . . and Chuck Norris took over. Now, Huckabee hopes he’ll do the same again.

Photo credit: Chuck Norris [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,304096,00.html]

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Aqua Dots Not So Hot By Mike Coughlin

China has done it again. In less than a year, the country has exported two sets of children's toys that turn out to be dangerous if swallowed. First it was lead. And now, the most recent occurrence can cause seizures or even comas if swallowed.

The cause, in case you haven't heard, is GHB (for those of you who have yet to watch a crime drama in the last 10 years, that's a date rape drug).

With all that GHB all over the place, it’s like having a roomful of incredibly drunk, nearly passed out girls and sending in Rob Lowe.The contaminated toy is called Aqua Dots; make sure little Johnny isn't daring little Jill to swallow some of them. (In a related story, Michael Jackson has announced plans to move to Beijing.)

"Made in China" used to be synonymous with "This is crap." Now it's a little closer to "Biohazard." The words "Made in America" never made me so proud.

I'm sure all sorts of execs will be asking their secretaries out for Chinese at lunch. “Hey, Charlene, what do you say we grab some Szechuan?”

“Sounds good, boss, I’m naïve and optimistic and have been looking for the perfect chance to brown nose.”

And then, the gentleman that this nice executive is, orders for the both of them.

“Yes, I’d like two egg rolls, please, and she’ll be having the Kung Pao’s chicken with GHB, hold the MSG.”

And then the lunch hour turns into the afternoon off. And then maternity leave. And then child support (people often forget that GHB actually has two victims – the victimized woman, and the guy who accidentally knocked her up).

No wonder China has 47 billion people. With all that GHB all over the place, it’s like having a roomful of incredibly drunk, nearly passed out girls and sending in Rob Lowe.

And if they aren’t stoned from GHB, it’s opium. They’re basically a country full of stoners – which explains why they aren’t competitive in very many sports. Yao Ming is a fluke.

All those drugs also explain their stellar driving reputation.

Is anyone else scared of the fact that economists predict that by 2020 China will be vying with the US for global economic supremacy?

Photo credit: Aqua Dots [http://www.charlescountycafe.com/?p=1984]

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Blu-Ray or HD-DVD? Bet On Blu By Mike Coughlin

Sony’s CEO says the Blu-Ray and HD-DVD formats are in a stalemate.

The HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray fight has been going on far too long. We’re in round 15 of a 12 round title bout. End it already.

Part of the problem is that nobody is taking a side. Everyone is saying “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see!” How insightful. Way to really ponder the situation people. You might as well be saying “I guess I’m a silly idiot who can’t think for himself.”

Well I will not be branded a silly idiot. Here I am, at your service, to tell you once and for all who the winner of the HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray race is going to be.

And the answer is...

HD-TV, HD radio, and HD-DVD. Everything is HD. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a HD-CPA.Blu-Ray.

First of all, Sony, who developed the Blu-Ray format, is overdue to finally make a format that sticks. Old people may remember the Betamax (Beta, for short) format that lost to VHS; that was Sony. Remember the Sony MiniDisc? You probably don’t because it lost to CD’s and later MP3 players.

I’m just going to play the odds and say the time has come for Sony to win one.

Second, Blu-Ray has the better name. Blu-Ray sounds cool; HD-DVD is a mouthful of acronym. And then you’ll say, “But High-Def is the buzzword these days. If it’s HD, it’s automatically cool and cutting edge.”

Not really. Get with it, ya old fogy, HD isn’t the buzzword anymore; it’s white noise. HD-TV, HD radio, and HD-DVD. Everything is HD. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a HD-CPA.

Your tech savvy friends have had HD for a while now. HD-DVD is just more of what they’ve already got. Plus if they’re really tech savvy they know that Blu-Ray is better technology. (By the way “tech savvy” is a synonym for “nerdy.”)

Blu-Ray is by far the cooler name. So cool, in fact, that they didn’t even need to put the “e” at the end of Blu. They’re Sony, they do what they want.

Third, Sony’s Playstation 3 has Blu-Ray built in. On Xbox you have to buy a separate HD-DVD drive for another two-hundred bucks. Cough it up, Mr. HD.

And where do you plan on renting all your HD-DVD movies? Not Blockbuster. They’ve committed to Blu-Ray. Don’t borrow them from me either: 1. I don’t loan my stuff to you. 2. I’m going to be going with Blu-Ray because I am going to buy a PS3.

So that’s the long and the short of it. The undisputed champion of home media (at least for the next 10 years) is Blu-Ray. Go sell your HD-DVD’s and buy some stock in Sony.

Photo credit: Blu-Ray logo, HD-DVD logo [Various Sources]

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They Don't Build Fences Like They Used To By Jared Beck

Two years ago, Chris Simcox was the man with the plan. Simcox, disgruntled with Washington’s seeming lack of hustle in construction of the Great Wall of America, organized the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps, pledging to do what the government had failed to do: keep out illegal immigrants from skipping across the border from Mexico into America, Simcox pledged to construct a $55 million high-tech 2,000-mile fence called a “double-layered gauntlet of deterrence.”

Naturally, Simcox could not afford to privately fund the project, so a web-site was established to take donations from other concerned citizens across the country. Money rolled in.

And the money wasn’t put to use.

Why trust the government to build a fence that could be seen from space when you could trick others into building your own?Two years later, instead of the 14-feet fence with security cameras, sensors, razor wire, and ditches on either side to prevent vehicles from wreaking the wall, the Minuteman Defense Corps has managed to create what local ranchers call “a mere cattle fence” of five strands of barbed-wire.

On Memorial Day 2006, Simcox ceremonially broke ground for the privatized defense fence on an Arizona ranch owned by John Ladd. By then, donations had been flooding into the Minuteman’s coffers for a full year, although no one has any statistics on the exact amount of money raised. Regardless, one man so behind the cause mortgaged his house and forked over $100,000 himself to Simcox’s scam. Right now, this cow fence skirts Ladd’s property and another local rancher’s.

But what should we really expect? Simcox did what any good American would do: exploit popular opinion for personal gain. Why trust the government to build a fence that could be seen from space when you could trick others into building your own?

But Simcox has crossed the border, I mean line, here. He pledged that the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps would undertake this grand project because the U.S. government was sitting idly by. Reached for comment recently, Simcox said the plan was never anything more than a publicity stunt to provoke Washington to act. In the meantime, millions of dollars have disappeared from the Minuteman’s wallets.

Then again, is Simcox’s playing off the inane Iowan farmers’ fears -- those people dreading the next terrorists to come across our most “porous” border with Mexico -- really such a bad thing? The longest, I repeat, the longest undefended border in the world right now is between the United States and Canada. Not only that, but until the new passport law goes into effect, Canucks passing through customs is a joke. Remember those 9/11 hijackers? Yes, they came in from the north. Why? Because they were smart enough to not want to traverse thousands of miles of desert, the deserts that thousands of potential illegal immigrants die in each year, when they could drive their Toyotas in from Niagara. Fear the North.

Either way, Simcox has built a beautiful fence for John Ladd that will keep his cattle from crossing over into Mexico. Not that it would be that hard to come back across that three-foot barbed-wire fence if they really wanted to.

Photo credit: Minuteman Defense Corps' fence [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/07/border.fence/index.html]

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Rattlesnake Record Breaker By Mike Coughlin

Just when you thought your 1994 copy of the Guinness Book of World Records would be irreplaceable (as it collected dust on your bottom bookcase shelf), Jackie Bibby had to go and make it obsolete.

Sure, the records for "longest beard" or "smallest person" may not have changed in the past 50 years, but if you don't upgrade your copy, you're going to miss out on Jackie Bibby's "longest amount of time spent in a bathtub with 87 rattlesnakes" (breaking his own previous record of 75 snakes).

Yes, they had their fangs.

Yes, they had venom.

If I'm the first person to ridicule this guy, our country needs a lesson in mocking.The “genius” Bibby also boasts a few other records with the deadly vipers. Other such feats include "holding 10 rattlesnakes by their tails in his mouth at once" or "crawling headfirst into a sleeping back with 20 rattlers at once."

Like I said: genius.

I should call up Guinness and tell them I have a few records of my own for them to jot down. I might have the one for "person most apathetic towards reality TV" (see previous column) or "grumpiest reaction when being woken up without getting a full night's sleep."

My odds for those may be good, but I can't possibly hold the record for "first person to make fun of this snake guy for his absurd records." 1. He's stupid for attempting them. 2. They aren't even that astounding. If I'm the first person to ridicule this guy, our country needs a lesson in mocking.

This isn't to say that I have no respect for this guy. I might have a little. I mean, I don't think I'd have the guts to jump in the tub with one, much less 87 rattlers. They're just so loud; I don't think I could handle all that noise. If it weren’t for the loud rattling I would totally do it.

Like hell. I hate snakes. This man is obviously insane. He deserves a good pronging right in his forearm by one of those legless killers. That'll teach him to sit in the tub while the serpent’s disciples slither around him.

And he does it all for the story – nay, the glory, of being in the Guinness Book of World Records. Can we get him a double-entry by also awarding this guy the "most obscure record" medal?

To be honest, I thought Guinness stopped publishing new records years ago. I haven’t even seen a copy of the book in years. I thought the only Guinness around these days was the Irish brewery (I think I speak for all when I say thank God it isn’t the other way around).

Jackie Bibby, congratulations. You’ve set the record. Nobody held it before you, and probably nobody will ever attempt to break your record except yourself (kudos on breaking your own records).

Ladies and gentlemen, the snake king of Texas, Jackie Bibby – get his autograph before he slithers away.

Photo credit: Jackie Bibby with 87 rattlesnakes[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7080938.stm]

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Writers' Strike Begins, Cue the Waiters By Mike Coughlin

The single biggest shame in this writer’s strike is that it won’t affect American Idol, which I am forced to avoid not once, but twice a week. My only hope is that Ryan Seacrest’s every quip is secretly fed from a witty writer with a teleprompter.

Reports say the strike will likely affect late night talk shows first, followed by primetime TV. Who’s complaining? This is our chance to pull ourselves away from the boob tube and spend some time in a little place called reality – not reality TV.

I’d rather have well-scripted fiction with beautiful celebrities rather than some ugly, whiny, over-dramatic real-life woman on my widescreen.For some, it’s an opportunity to dust off our sunglasses and spend the day outside in the sunny skies and fresh air. Unless you own a 60-inch plasma, in which case you probably need SPF-30 just to watch HD. And if so, please never leave your couch; it would be a pity to let that Sony Skinburner go to waste.

What I’m most interested about is which talk show hosts suddenly dissolve into a puddle of unfunniness, revealing their reliance on the men with the pens. Leno and Letterman may just shrivel up into prunes of their former selves. Conan O’Brien fans can relax – he was a writer himself and can tap that skill to churn out a few good one liners in a pinch. Jimmy Kimmel probably won’t be affected either – he doesn’t have writers, just a bunch of monkeys with word processors.

There are only two worst-case scenarios. The first is if any of the television studios hire the Hollywood waiters who will no doubt be carrying their sitcom scripts, knocking on the doors of every producer hoping for their shot at the big time.

For one thing, the quality would be beyond horrible. If I wanted bad writing I would watch more independent films. I don’t want replacements -- remember the baseball strike in the 1994? Don’t get on the mound if you can’t throw a decent curveball.

Furthermore, without any waiters, anyone heading out to Hollywood would have to pack his or her own lunch. Making meat sandwiches in West Hollywood? I think I’ll pass.

The second scenario is if they just fill the time slots with more reality TV. I’m maxed out on it. I’d rather have poorly scripted fiction with beautiful celebrities rather than some ugly, whiny, over-dramatic real-life woman on my widescreen.

Give me reruns of Full House before you give me more reality TV. Besides, who in their right mind would complain about seeing Uncle Jessie on prime-time again. (Can they at least change his character’s name on ER to Uncle Jessie?)

No matter how obsessed we are with it, TV is just TV and, like the cast of Saturday Night Live, its quality is always changing. We may be in a slump now, but our homerun hitters will return. As long as we don’t hire the waiters.

Photo credit: David Letterman [http://www.usatoday.com/money/media/2007-11-05-wga-strike_N.htm]

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Plagiarugula? Plagiarism Meets Arugula By Jared Beck

Ladies and gentlemen, the sanity of America is at stake. Not only is Jerry Seinfeld’s wife writing cookbooks teaching mothers how they can slyly slip healthy vegetables into foods for their children, but she is being accused of what Jerry considers “vegetable plagiarism” by another cook with similar methods.

Please, please, don’t copy my arugula.
That clever, covert cook used to slip onions into every meal we had, knowing full well that I hated them with a passion and would feign gags at first sight.
Jessica Seinfeld released her cookbook “Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food” (HarperCollins) earlier this month. Thanks to a spot on Oprah Winfrey’s day-time talk show for 1950's-era home-makers, Jessica’s book has become a best-seller. Over one-million copies are currently in print.

However, Missy Chase Lapine’s cookbook “The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids’ Favorite Meals,” released by the Running Press, was on the public scene for months before Jessica’s ever appeared. Lapine has accused Jessica of stealing her method, of stealing her spotlight for this ingenious method that obviously she had invented.

Well, I suppose if Lapine can try to bring charges against Jessica for “vegetable plagiarism,” my own mother could sue Lapine back to the Stone Age. That clever, covert cook used to slip onions into every meal we had, knowing full well that I hated them with a passion and would feign gags at first sight.

Yet the ridiculousness only intensifies when Jerry goes onto the David Letterman Show and insults Lapine and the ludicrous charges she is bringing against his wife. Says Jerry, the upcoming star of “Bee Movie,” “My wife never saw the book, read the book, used the book. But both books came out at the same time. So this woman says, ‘I sense this could be my wacko moment.’ So she comes out . . . and she accuses my wife. She says, ‘You stole my mushed-up carrots. You can’t put mushed-up carrots in a casserole. I put mushed-up carrots in a casserole. It’s vegetable plagiarism.”

What is it with these people? Are they really competing to be the CIA or MI6 of healthy cooking?

I long for the days of heated celebrity beefs that people followed in the news daily for the latest development. I need to see some Tupac versus the Notorious B.I.G., some Nas versus Jay-Z, or even Rosie O’Donnell versus Papa Bear O’Reilly. I’m waiting for death threats, drive-by shootings, maybe a little vandalism. All I’m really getting is celery in my nachos, and I didn’t even want it.

Instead, we have swashbuckling spatulas and debate over who is the most deceptive at sneaking food pyramids into spaghetti. I, for one, know that the healthiest secret agent is not Pizza Hut.

Luckily for both parties involved, this controversy has driven sales for both cookbooks, even if they are virtually identical. I wonder if these two women managed to sneak any sense into their pages.

Photo credit: Jessica and Jerry Seinfeld [http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/10/31/people.jessicaseinfeld.ap/index.html]

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