Writers' Strike Begins, Cue the Waiters By Mike Coughlin

The single biggest shame in this writer’s strike is that it won’t affect American Idol, which I am forced to avoid not once, but twice a week. My only hope is that Ryan Seacrest’s every quip is secretly fed from a witty writer with a teleprompter.

Reports say the strike will likely affect late night talk shows first, followed by primetime TV. Who’s complaining? This is our chance to pull ourselves away from the boob tube and spend some time in a little place called reality – not reality TV.

I’d rather have well-scripted fiction with beautiful celebrities rather than some ugly, whiny, over-dramatic real-life woman on my widescreen.For some, it’s an opportunity to dust off our sunglasses and spend the day outside in the sunny skies and fresh air. Unless you own a 60-inch plasma, in which case you probably need SPF-30 just to watch HD. And if so, please never leave your couch; it would be a pity to let that Sony Skinburner go to waste.

What I’m most interested about is which talk show hosts suddenly dissolve into a puddle of unfunniness, revealing their reliance on the men with the pens. Leno and Letterman may just shrivel up into prunes of their former selves. Conan O’Brien fans can relax – he was a writer himself and can tap that skill to churn out a few good one liners in a pinch. Jimmy Kimmel probably won’t be affected either – he doesn’t have writers, just a bunch of monkeys with word processors.

There are only two worst-case scenarios. The first is if any of the television studios hire the Hollywood waiters who will no doubt be carrying their sitcom scripts, knocking on the doors of every producer hoping for their shot at the big time.

For one thing, the quality would be beyond horrible. If I wanted bad writing I would watch more independent films. I don’t want replacements -- remember the baseball strike in the 1994? Don’t get on the mound if you can’t throw a decent curveball.

Furthermore, without any waiters, anyone heading out to Hollywood would have to pack his or her own lunch. Making meat sandwiches in West Hollywood? I think I’ll pass.

The second scenario is if they just fill the time slots with more reality TV. I’m maxed out on it. I’d rather have poorly scripted fiction with beautiful celebrities rather than some ugly, whiny, over-dramatic real-life woman on my widescreen.

Give me reruns of Full House before you give me more reality TV. Besides, who in their right mind would complain about seeing Uncle Jessie on prime-time again. (Can they at least change his character’s name on ER to Uncle Jessie?)

No matter how obsessed we are with it, TV is just TV and, like the cast of Saturday Night Live, its quality is always changing. We may be in a slump now, but our homerun hitters will return. As long as we don’t hire the waiters.

Photo credit: David Letterman [http://www.usatoday.com/money/media/2007-11-05-wga-strike_N.htm]