Vote For Chuckabee... Or Else By Jared Beck

Is it possible to overdose on Chuck Norris jokes?

Well, thanks to his recent public announcement that he backs Republican candidate Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas, Chuck Norris has released an ultimatum on the American public: vote for Mike, or prepare to have you scrawny butt beaten far into the ground.

According to FOXNews.com, Chuck Norris does not vote for president of the United States. He gives the voting machine a swift roundhouse kick and Mike Huckabee wins.
They saw a man who doesn’t read books; he stares them down until they give him the information he wants.
No doubt the martial arts master, and star of such classic films as The Delta Force and The Octagon, as well as his own television series Walker, Texas Ranger, will hold important sway in the upcoming Republican primary elections. After all, should Mr. Huckabee so desire, Chuck Norris could be the strong-arm of his campaign, wrestling geriatric Fred Thompson into submission, knocking the New York lights out of Rudy Giuliani, mussing the hair of slicked-back Mitt Romney, or show John McCain the true meaning of torture (okay, that might go a bit far).

Regardless, Chuck Norris is thinking independently here. He’s not worrying about how the rest of Hollywood feels about the political candidates this time around – and they overwhelming support the junior Democratic senator from Illinois, Barack Obama – and he doesn’t care if Huckabee has no real chance at winning the nomination. After all, this is the same guy who beat Jumanji without having to say “Jumanji.”

Chuck Norris is the consummate bad-ass. His recent popularity over the years with younger generations, who only pay attention to Chuck Norris because of the thousands of spoofs online and corny jokes circulating about the karate king, may attract an entirely new voting bloc to Huckabee and possibly the Republican party in general.

As much fun as Conan O’Brien made of Chuck Norris during those “Walker” sequences on his own late-night talk show, that many more kids realized how sweet Chuck Norris truly was. They saw a man with skills, a man with brawn, a man with a perfect beard. They saw a man who doesn’t read books; he stares them down until they give him the information he wants.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the remaining Republican candidates for the nomination dropped out of the race immediately. How can you compete with a man who doesn’t sleep (he waits)? How can you compete with a man who doesn’t have a chin beneath his beard (he has another fist)? I mean, Chuck Norris’s chief export is pain. I would not be on the other end of one of Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kicks. I’d rather just vote for Mike Huckabee and have it all be over.

In fact, I’m so scared of Chuck Norris I may just switch parties. I value my life, after all.

No matter what, Chuck Norris breathes life into the dead campaign of Mike Huckabee. After all, on the seventh God rested . . . and Chuck Norris took over. Now, Huckabee hopes he’ll do the same again.

Photo credit: Chuck Norris [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,304096,00.html]