Rattlesnake Record Breaker By Mike Coughlin

Just when you thought your 1994 copy of the Guinness Book of World Records would be irreplaceable (as it collected dust on your bottom bookcase shelf), Jackie Bibby had to go and make it obsolete.

Sure, the records for "longest beard" or "smallest person" may not have changed in the past 50 years, but if you don't upgrade your copy, you're going to miss out on Jackie Bibby's "longest amount of time spent in a bathtub with 87 rattlesnakes" (breaking his own previous record of 75 snakes).

Yes, they had their fangs.

Yes, they had venom.

If I'm the first person to ridicule this guy, our country needs a lesson in mocking.The “genius” Bibby also boasts a few other records with the deadly vipers. Other such feats include "holding 10 rattlesnakes by their tails in his mouth at once" or "crawling headfirst into a sleeping back with 20 rattlers at once."

Like I said: genius.

I should call up Guinness and tell them I have a few records of my own for them to jot down. I might have the one for "person most apathetic towards reality TV" (see previous column) or "grumpiest reaction when being woken up without getting a full night's sleep."

My odds for those may be good, but I can't possibly hold the record for "first person to make fun of this snake guy for his absurd records." 1. He's stupid for attempting them. 2. They aren't even that astounding. If I'm the first person to ridicule this guy, our country needs a lesson in mocking.

This isn't to say that I have no respect for this guy. I might have a little. I mean, I don't think I'd have the guts to jump in the tub with one, much less 87 rattlers. They're just so loud; I don't think I could handle all that noise. If it weren’t for the loud rattling I would totally do it.

Like hell. I hate snakes. This man is obviously insane. He deserves a good pronging right in his forearm by one of those legless killers. That'll teach him to sit in the tub while the serpent’s disciples slither around him.

And he does it all for the story – nay, the glory, of being in the Guinness Book of World Records. Can we get him a double-entry by also awarding this guy the "most obscure record" medal?

To be honest, I thought Guinness stopped publishing new records years ago. I haven’t even seen a copy of the book in years. I thought the only Guinness around these days was the Irish brewery (I think I speak for all when I say thank God it isn’t the other way around).

Jackie Bibby, congratulations. You’ve set the record. Nobody held it before you, and probably nobody will ever attempt to break your record except yourself (kudos on breaking your own records).

Ladies and gentlemen, the snake king of Texas, Jackie Bibby – get his autograph before he slithers away.

Photo credit: Jackie Bibby with 87 rattlesnakes[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7080938.stm]