Hawking to Soar
You've seen magicians like David Blaine float, but recent reports say that wheelchair jockey Stephen Hawking will be performing a similar feat -- which may help or hurt those magicians' statuses. On the one hand, it likens them to Stephen Hawking, a genius of the highest caliber. On the other hand, it likens them to Stephen Hawking, a guy who wears a diaper.
Actually, Hawking's floating will be quite different. On April 26 he will come to Florida to take a zero-gravity flight on a plane designed for such purposes. The plane will climb to about 24,000 feet and then dive down at a free-fall rate to create the sensation of weightlessness. It is sometimes called parabolic flight because the plane does a series of climbs and falls that resemble the geometric figure.
Relax, Hawking will probably come back good as new.
There is nothing newsworthy in the concept of parabolic flight itself, it has been around for years; for a few thousand bucks even I could do it. However, Stephen Hawking bumping around uncontrollably on the inside of that plane, floating around powerlessly in his wheelchair, only able to say "ouch" through his computerized voice, should be on America's Funniest Home Videos.
This is the kind of entertainment American culture craves! Yet, some of you are undoubtedly appalled by my interpretation, saying "how dare you," or "surely, you can't be serious," but let me reassure you -- the plane is, in fact, padded. And don't call me "Shirley." Relax, Hawking will probably come back good as new.
Of course, the pilot could always instruct everyone to "please turn off all electronic devices," in which case he is in a world of trouble. If anything goes wrong, he's as helpless as an infant -- diaper and all. Imagine, a man with the genius of Einstein, who shares the same prestige as Sir Isaac Newton, meets his demise because his wheelchair's electronic brakes were off and he rolled out the side of the plane. (I hope you don't mind the gross exaggeration -- I already had an "Airplane" joke so I figured it was fair game.)
Fortunately for Hawking (and unfortunately for the prize I planned on winning for sending in the video), we all know this is not what the reality is going to be; I guess my imagination always gets the best of me. The only logical reality will be that because of insurance policies, company policies, bureaucracies and lawyer's fees, they're going to have to bolt his wheelchair to the floor of the plane to prevent any harm and, thus, any ensuing suing.
Welcome to America, Stephen. Don't bother trying to figure us out, stick to the quantum physics.
[Photo credit: Stephen Hawking - http://images.usatoday.com/tech/_photos/2006/06/13/hawking.jpg]
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