Brandy Causes Fatal Car Accident By Mike Coughlin

I bet every paper will have its celebrity beat reporter on the Brandy Norwood story hoping to turn a phrase. Brandy is the singer/actor most famous for her leading role on television's "Moesha."

"Brandy involved in car accident," most headlines will read. A creative little play on words but by the time it hits newsstands it will be a cliché. It's cute, but too obvious.

Not to mention there's no real story there. And yet here I am, typing away. And there you are, still reading every word of it.

She rear ended someone, big deal. My Uncle Bourbon rear ended people all the time. It's not news. If Brandy's friend Benedictine was in the passenger seat that would have been closer to news. But the real story would have been if Brandy had a hit-and-run with a school bus and, while evading police, she crossed the center line and rolled into a ditch. The first time I heard that story about my Grandpa Tom, Old Tom Gin they called him, I about fell off my bar stool.

My family's car accident stories don't end there, most of them are on the Irish side of my family, but a few are on the Scotch side, as well. My Irish cousin Bill Whiskey was the manliest man you would ever meet. The kind of guy that never took any guff from anyone and a real loose cannon. There was no telling what would set him off. And if you did set him off you would probably wake up with a black eye, or at least your head would be spinning. He drove home one night in the wrong car, parked it at the wrong house and still managed to wake up in his own bed. Luck of the Irish, I guess.

My sister-in-law once married a guy named Tom Collins. He was out at the country club, where he spent most days, when he lost control of his golf cart leading to an adventure through several sand traps, tearing up the ninth green and knocking over two old ladies in matching jumpsuits before he crashed through the fence and into the swimming pool. The lifeguards were taking their rest period, so the poor guy drowned.

I had another relative on my Italian side (apparently my family has three sides) named Amaretto, sweetest guy you'd ever meet and boy did the ladies love him. We hosted a family reunion once. One thing led to another and eventually Amaretto and Bill Whiskey mixed it up. It wasn't good. Amaretto stormed out of there and drove all the way back to Italy on the wrong side of the road. He's been sour about it ever since.

So when you read through your papers and come across the headline that says "Brandy causes fatal car accident," remember, they should have just shot it down and served you something better.

[Photo credit - CNN: http://www.cnn.com/SHOWBIZ/Movies/9811/12/i.still.know/link.brandy.norwood.jpg - Brandy Norwood]