No Quiero Taco Bell By Mike Coughlin

Since running into E. coli problems, Taco Bell executives have decided to temporarily pull the contamination suspect, green onions, from their menus. It wasn't that I was shocked that people got sick from Taco Bell -- in fact, I thought extra time in the bathroom was an accepted risk when you go "south of the border." Instead, I was shocked that Taco Bell actually uses real onions.

Amidst rumors I had grown up with that the ground taco beef was Grade D meat, rat meat or meat mixed with oatmeal, I guess I just expected everything else to be an imitation product as well.

But is anyone surprised that this E. coli (which comes from human and animal fecal matter) outbreak happened at, of all places, Taco Bell? After all, there were warning signs. Consider the post-Bell bathroom experience. Let me tell you; it stinks. Hell, I've even thrown it up. Aren't these obvious signs that Taco Bell does not belong in our bodies? No wonder my friends call it "Toxic Hell."

The irony about the outbreak lies within the stereotypes surrounding it. Imagine: Our Mexican immigrant friend Juan had a great lunch from his favorite "Big Bell Value Menu." He goes back to his job in the farmer's fields and not long after that realizes he's about to have a post-Bell moment -- but there is no bathroom nearby. He's forced to go in the field. At the end of his long day picking green onions he gets another dinner from Taco Bell and ends up contracting the very E. coli that he put in the fields.

I've heard of food tasting like crap but that's on an entirely different level.

In the end I don't think this will cause people to stop eating at Taco Bell. I even risked it the other day. Sure, most people may shy away for a bit, but inevitably they'll end up drunk one night with a massive craving for two nacho cheese chalupas, a chicken quesadilla and five, wait six, supreme soft tacos. Then they'll see that they don't get sick, unless they were extremely drunk, and life will go back to normal. Until Juan has another Bell moment in the fields.

So far, 70 people have gotten sick from this outbreak, which is a follow up to the spinach E. coli outbreak in California that killed three people a few months ago.

I guess this brings new meaning to the phrase "eat s--t and die."

[Photo credit: http://gutter.curbed.com/archives/Taco%20Bell.jpg - Taco Bell (unknown location)]